alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
