I think im going to throw up on grandma
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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