I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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