I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
You left your phone here
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