I think I won the penis lottery.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
