I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
