the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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