don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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