he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
