Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
