I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
