Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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