I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
FUCK WHALES
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
