dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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