I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
