the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
