True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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