Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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