OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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