my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
