I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Randomize