I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
