I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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