what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
operation harelip BJ is a go
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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