My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
the day after is always just damage control
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
