just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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