the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
