If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I have tasted many bathrooms
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
