he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
