Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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