cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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