why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
