I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
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