I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
