Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
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