Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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