nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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