...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
