So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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