so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
