I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
you win again, gameday.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
