I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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