so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
