i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
