there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
