Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
