i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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