you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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