Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
