Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
