and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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