You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
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