textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
