dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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