my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
