I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
