i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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