so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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