our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
