Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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