The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
