Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
