If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
me + whiskey = a bad person
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
