Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I wish you could order shots online.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
