I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
